How To Love Someone with Opposite Political Views

Do you have a close friend or family member who has different political views than yours?

Do you spend much time discussing those differences?

Does it get heated?

Do you enjoy or dread it?

As we plunge deeper into the political season, think about whether any of your relationships have been changed by your different perspectives?

Have you ended relationships due to differences?

Remember Randy and Judy, the couple from last week, who dropped out of couple’s therapy and ended up in the divorce court?

Judy was certain that she was right.

She dripped with contempt and self-righteousness.

She thought Randy would wake up one day and finally hear her.

Randy was less obvious but also believed he had a lock on the truth.

Couples cannot hold up under large amounts of contempt and self-righteousness.

The system breaks.

Our country is extremely divided; we see uncivil behavior on both sides.

Don’t try this at home.

I’m not here to challenge the big picture. This is our system.

I do want to encourage a more sensitive approach to personal-relationship behavior with friends and loved ones.

And that includes politics.

One Important Rule: Give up the self-righteousness.

Self-righteousness is a sense of moral superiority regarding one’s beliefs, actions, or virtues, often accompanied by a judgmental attitude towards others who hold different beliefs. It involves a lack of humility and an unwillingness to consider alternative perspectives.

Essentially, it’s the conviction that one is inherently right.

Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist, argues that self-righteousness is the problem in exacerbating political differences. When people become entrenched in their own moral righteousness, they often view their beliefs as unquestionably right and demonize those who disagree.

Haidt’s perspective on conservative values versus liberal values is outlined in his influential work “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion.”

Haidt suggests that political party affiliation often aligns with a person’s personal values, as individuals tend to gravitate towards political ideologies that resonate with their moral foundations.

Further, Haidt’s work suggests that conservatives prioritize values such as loyalty, authority, and sanctity. This leads them to identify more with the Republican Party, which traditionally emphasizes these principles. Conversely, liberals may be drawn to the Democratic Party due to its focus on values like care, fairness, and liberty.

How about using this framework with friends and loved ones?

When you see a person in the context of values they hold dear, you can better understand them.

It’s more respectful than slapping nasty labels on them.

Recognizing and respecting the moral foundations of each side fosters greater cooperation and empathy across ideological divides. By empathizing with differing viewpoints, and recognizing the validity of diverse perspectives, bridging the political divide is possible.

But more importantly, Haidt’s perspective can help each of us to soften our judgments, see others more holistically, and be nicer to our Maga hat-wearing uncle or ultra woke-NPR listening colleague at the water cooler. (Does anyone really hang out at the water cooler anymore?)

Check in next week, we’re going to talk about how psychological flexibility can help you manage the resulting strong emotions.